A beginner’s guide to BDSM
Published 15 December 2025
With many thanks to psychotherapist and kink educator DK Green
Every so often, BDSM grabs the mainstream cultural spotlight with both hands. Films such as The Secretary, 50 Shades, and Babygirl turn it into the hot topic of press junkets and talk shows before it slides into the sidelines again. The recently released Pillion is the feelgood story of a Dom/sub relationship - and it’s brought BDSM back into the living room.
Centred on a BDSM gay biker community, the film is pretty graphic. It’s also a ‘show don’t tell’ celebration of a kinky subculture. It normalises sex that doesn’t fit the conventional straight and narrow narrative. And that’s a good thing.
However, it still makes that pernicious (and unfounded) link between kink and poor mental health, specifically through the emotionally avoidant Ray. It also positions consent as an afterthought - though the unsuspecting Colin seems happy with the arrangement, at least at first.
Whether the film stirs you sexually, or you find the whole subject simply terrifying – or perhaps a little bit of both – Pillion is a compelling conversation starter rather than a ‘how to’ guide to BDSM.
For the kinky basics, that’s where this post comes in. It was also a great opportunity to call on DK Green, a friend, fellow therapist and long-standing member of the consensual non-monogamy community. A trans man, he’s also known in kink spaces as DK Leather.
We explored the hows and whys of BDSM, from “sub frenzy” to Cadbury’s Caramel (you’ll see!). We also talked about how folk might begin to explore their BDSM desires in ways that are safe, sexy and consensual.
This blog post covers:
What is BDSM?
Are kinky people traumatised people?
How do I ‘do’ BDSM?
The importance of power dynamics
Never forget the after care
Consent, boundaries and when to say No
Take the time to negotiate
Establish clear safe words or signals
Why slowing down matters
When is BDSM best avoided?
Guilt, shame and the ‘relationship escalator’
The risks of breath play
How to explore BDSM safely
Kinky resources
Watch the full uncut interview with DK.
What is BDSM?
You can think of BDSM as a sexual framework. It covers everything from blindfolding a partner to more hardcore experiences, such as inflicting pain or using psychological power play. It’s a way to deepen connection, express a different (or more fundamental) side of yourself, and supercharge your life with some hot, sexy fun.
BDSM stands for:
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism & Masochism
In practice, all these aspects tend to overlap to varying degrees.
Those who like kinky play may lean more into particular roles or experiences at different times or with different people. For others, their desires may remain pretty static whoever they’re with.
In other words, the expression of BDSM is a personal thing and as diverse as those practicing it.
“It’s quite common for a vanilla - i.e. non-kinky, heterosexual, married, cisgendered - couple to play with BDSM… It frees [them] from inhibitions and offers them the ability to really get into the body and the moment,” says DK.
BDSM can have a huge erotic charge – and one that doesn’t have genital sex as the end game. This can be massively liberating for anyone who doesn’t want, or can’t have, penetrative sex, or who simply doesn’t want that being the main event.
But BDSM doesn’t have to be about sex at all, DK reminds me.
“I know a lot of asexual people who enjoy it because it's a way to explore intimacy without sex. Sex is normalised in our socialization; it seems to be the ‘be all and end all’. For asexual people, it's not. Of course, like everything else there’s a spectrum, but they don't necessarily understand the allure.”
If you’re not driven by sex in your relationships, BDSM offers closeness, structure, touch and sensation. It’s also a shared ritual that creates connection without the pressure of conventional sexual scripts.
For some people, BDSM is a part of their identity – and, like any fundamental aspect of self, it requires expression for that person to feel whole and free.
But you’re not less whole, open-minded, interesting, or sexual if you don’t indulge in kinky sex. We don’t all like the same pizza toppings after all. Some of us don’t even like pizza.
As a practice however, BDSM can introduce the body, mind and even spirit to new sensations and experiences, leading to more pleasure and greater self-awareness.
Are kinky people traumatised people?
Being kinky has been pathologized and seen as a dysfunction rooted in trauma or sexual abuse. It’s often portrayed that way in films too, including Pillion. That’s the cause of much eye rolling within the BDSM community.
DK points to research that shows there’s no more trauma here than anywhere else. In fact, studies show that kinksters have a greater sense of wellbeing, fewer neuroses and a higher level of sexual satisfaction than their vanilla counterparts.
“When you take sex into the world of kink,” he says, “it requires a lot more self-exploration, self-examination, and openness … it’s not that [poor mental health] is more prevalent, it's just that we talk about it more.”
By cultivating the art of safe, consensual, boundaried BDSM, you’ll gain valuable skills in authentic communication too – something often lacking in other relationship dynamics.
Though not inherently therapeutic, BDSM may also help trauma healing and for some people suffering from chronic pain, it may offer blissful relief.
However, it remains a taboo subject. The ‘whips and chains’ stereotyping and moral outrage, combined with a salacious fascination with the subject, cause those considering their kinky side to feel a lot of guilt and shame.
They believe there’s something wrong with them. They fear that they’re damaged, dangerous, or ’50 shades of messed up’.
But BDSM and trauma aren’t joined at the hip and there’s nothing unnatural in wanting what you want within a healthy, enthusiastic relationship.
How do I ‘do’ BDSM?
BDSM can be divided into two aspects.
1. Your body
There’s plenty of physicality in the BDSM smorgasbord.
“One half of that acronym is all about sensation… everything from a bit of slap and tickle to some hardcore play, says DK, smiling.
This includes spanking, slapping, scratching, flogging, caning, kicking, scratching, slapping, pressure, hot and cold, branding and needle play.
It sounds pretty intense. And it can be. BDSM is often about exploring the edge where pleasure and pain meet. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s about making the body feel alive and that means many different things.
So, for example, the flogger is a common piece of BDSM kit used for ‘impact play’. It consists of a wooden handle and multiple ‘falls’ or tails often made of leather or rubber. Running it lightly over the body, it makes the skin tingle, the way the light touch of fingers do. Used more heavily, sensations range from a dull thud to sharper, more intense stinging. Like any tool, it’s how you use it that counts. Those proficient in the art of flogging often alternate between harder and softer strokes to mix in a little anticipation and edginess.
If you’re on the receiving end of touch and sensation, particularly the more extreme practices, BDSM can induce a deep, trance-like state (known as sub space).
While in this floaty, blissed out, ‘lost and found’ experience of pleasure, normal physical responses do not apply. This is why, if you’re the giver, you really need to know what you’re doing.
Once someone is in sub space, they may find it harder to speak articulately, or even at all. Therefore, you need to know the difference between a play partner who’s in a state of bliss and one who may have gone into a freeze state. The intensity of BDSM can be a catalyst for the resurfacing of trauma, which is why it’s not something to rush into.
However, the power of these physical experiences can also be positively transformative.
BDSM can eradicate numbness and feelings of disconnection, and in some instances allow for the retelling of a traumatic experience to create a different outcome: one that you define and are in control of.
Which leads us on to the second strand of BDSM…
2. Mind
“The best sex organ we’ve got is the brain,” observes DK, and BDSM caters for its deepest needs and desires with little or no touch at all. Although in the Venn diagram of kink, the physical, sexual, and psychological often overlap.
But just a particular look, comment or command, piece of clothing or situation can bring on the same blissful sub space without the need for any contact at all.
The psychological space is often where the D/s aspect of BDSM comes into play: the Dominant and submissive roles that can be a way of being, as much as a way of playing.
So first, let’s talk about submission, because ultimately, the submissive has control. They relinquish control only as much as they are willing and able.
But there’s something potent about surrender; letting someone else take charge. In our overstimulating world of constant action-reaction, layered with a million responsibilities, being totally held by another can offer blissful respite.
Combine this with physical and/or sexual stimulation and it’s a heady combination. Provided there’s trust, there can also be peace, relief and release in that.
Bondage or shibari, a Japanese form of rope bondage that emphasizes intricate and decorative patterns of tying, introduces the BDSM paradox of ‘freedom in bondage”. The more contained you feel, the freer you are to let go. This rather beautiful art form can be a gentle, sensual and profound introduction to the BDSM dynamic and there are plenty of workshops to make sure you do it safely.
Dominance is the other side of the coin: the empowering feeling of being in control of another human being, of doing what we want with them, and guiding their experiences (consensually of course).
You don’t need to be rough, violent or aggressive. Think of it as leading rather than forcing, and being firm, clear and purposeful, rather than manipulating, bullying or pushing limits.
The role of a Dominant carries huge amounts of responsibility – as DK says, “You can’t be somebody’s Sir or Master until you’ve mastered yourself” – but the pleasure pay-off can be significant.
Aside from any sexual stimulation, the feelings of presence, strength and groundedness when your sole focus is intently on another, whatever you’re doing, can be like a meditation. You may enter your own altered state.
If you feel drawn to play with a more dominant role, try a few simple commands and see how it feels to take that position with a partner.
Kneel beside me.
Lie down.
Touch yourself.
Don’t come until I say so.
Even making eye contact can have a seismic impact when you’re both fully engaged in the moment. Or try pausing, allowing desire and anticipation to increase as you tell the other what you’re going to do next. Less can definitely be more.
You could also ask that they wear a particular outfit or piece of clothing when you go out or try a role play in which there’s an inherent power dynamic, such as boss and employee.
And none of this is mandatory. You decide on the flavour. It’s your scene to create.
Check in with your partner throughout the experience, particularly if they’re looking a bit spacey…
Is this OK? Is it too much?
The importance of power dynamics
We are not all created equal. Power imbalances based on gender, age, sexuality, race, religion, histories, ability and professional or social status are very much alive, and people are devalued, dismissed and abused as a result.
Part of BDSM’s transgressive charge often lies in playing with power imbalances, but how much choice do you (or your partners) really have about what happens?
If you’re going to consciously play with power (dominance, submission, service, obedience), be aware of the structural power you already hold (or don’t). It can have a big impact on what you initiate or say Yes or No to.
If you have no personal power, says DK, you’ve got nothing to have a power exchange with. It’s not a safe place.
So be curious. Ask yourself:
Where do I feel powerful?
Where do I collapse or disappear?
How does my gender, race, class, neurotype, disability or queerness shape my erotic life?
Consent, boundaries and when to say No
Consent was one of the most important threads in my chat with DK.
As he pointed out, a huge amount of today’s sex-positive, ‘conscious’ consent culture grew out of kink communities.
“For those who've never ventured into the world of kink, consent and boundaries means If you say yes, you mean it. If you say no, you mean it. That's kind of the limit. The dialogues on consent and boundaries within kink are profound… For many people, it’s their first experience of knowing and understanding what those things are.”
DK was also very clear on another point: drugs and BDSM don’t mix.
“I don't want to play with anyone unless there's absolute consent and you can't absolutely consent if you're under the influence.”
Dry (no-alcohol) events are increasingly common in kink communities for exactly this reason. If you’re drinking or taking drugs, you’re more like to say yes to things that would normally be a No. Bodies feel pain differently. Coordination is off. Judgement is blurred.
Kinky and sober is the safer option.
Take time to negotiate
This is a conversation you don’t want to rush, for safety reasons but also to maximise the potential of a great experience for all involved.
What do you want - specifically?
What don’t you want?
How far do we go?
What happens if […] happens?
Is there any part of your body I shouldn’t touch? Or that you want me to touch?
Are you OK with being naked/me being naked?
Take your time. Get into the nitty gritty, particularly if you don’t know the other person very well. Do they really understand what you’ve told them?
It can help to repeat back to each other what you think you’ve heard. Things get lost in translation. Far from being a passion killer, this can amp up anticipation while building trust and reinforcing the dynamic.
And if any part of you is anxious or unsure, don’t ignore it. Talk about it. The aim is pleasure, after all.
With that in mind, it’s often wise not to go beyond the boundaries you’ve set beforehand. Better to leave wanting more than cross a line in the heat of the moment and regret it later. Particularly if you’re a newbie.
Establish clear safe words or signals
Even if you agree on a direction of travel, DK is adamant that “you’re allowed to stop and change your mind at any point”.
Many people use the colour system of red / amber / green as a way of checking in.
green – still good, keep going
amber – slow down, I’m nearing my edge
red – stop, everything pauses now
You can also choose a safe word – one that you’re unlikely to use while you’re playing - for example, squirrel or tomato.
It can also be useful to have a physical signal in case someone has their mouth full or can’t speak – for example two quick consecutive taps on the other’s body.
And, of course, if you ask someone if they’re OK and you don’t hear anything, you stop whatever you’re doing and make sure they’re alright.
Why slowing down matters
If you’re an enthusiastic newcomer to BDSM, it’s easy to want everything at once.
In kink circles, people joke about “sub-frenzy” (and “Dom-frenzy”): the feeling that ‘the sweet shop is open, I want to try all the things!
DK’s advice is simple: go slow. He talks about the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny ads from the 80s as an example of the pleasure found in taking your time.
With impact play in particular, it’s often best to build intensity slowly.
If you start too hard, too fast, the body tenses and rejects it. Pain just feels unpleasantly painful.
But if you build up gradually, the nervous system has time to adjust; your body starts releasing endorphins, dopamine and all the other good stuff.
Going slow also gives you time to notice your own edges:
Is this actually feeling good, or am I overriding myself?
Do I feel more in my body, or am I starting to check out or even get bored?
What feels nourishing, and what feels depleting?
Am I starting to feel uncomfortable/anxious/disconnected/bored?
Never forget the aftercare
BDSM journeys can go deep.
Because of the potential physical and psychological impact, give yourselves time to ‘come down’ and allow your bodies and minds to return to their normal state afterwards.
Blankets, cuddles, a quiet check-in, a cup of sweet tea or chocolate can all help ease you both back into the real world – and make sure you’re both ready to move on before you do.
Even if you don’t feel particularly affected by the experience, reactions can be delayed, and it always pays to take a moment to find out how it was for both of you.
What could you both do more or less of?
What did you enjoy most?
Is there anything that you found underwhelming or a bit disappointing?
How might we change things up?
If you’re with a loved one, aftercare is also an opportunity to connect and deepen your sense of intimacy and closeness.
When is BDSM best avoided?
BDSM is a no-go if you simply don’t want to do it, or you’ve been coerced or persuaded.
And equally, if you have a history of trauma or abuse that could be triggered during play, it’s best avoided. Though as DK says, this doesn’t mean BDSM is completely off limits forever.
A trauma-aware perspective doesn’t mean never playing; it means being honest about timing, intention and support.
“Just going into it blind when there is some kind of history of trauma or abuse is not a wise decision because you’ll re-traumatise and re-trigger.”
The message is choice:
It’s OK if BDSM is off the table for now.
It’s OK if it’s never your path.
It’s also OK if, with enough support and self-awareness, it becomes a meaningful part of your erotic or healing life.
Guilt, shame and the ‘relationship escalator’
Embracing BDSM – or any non-normative sexuality or relationship style – can mean stepping away from a familiar script: meet someone of the opposite sex, couple up, move in, get married, have kids, be together ‘til death do you part. It’s also known as the relationship escalator. Once you’re on it, you can’t get off - and it doesn’t involve much kinky sex.
There’s nothing wrong with following a more traditional path if you consciously choose it and it genuinely brings you joy. But for someone people, that’s not how they’re wired. It’s not what they want.
However, it’s tough being different in our society. Taking a less conventional path can cause a lot of guilt and shame and it requires a certain chutzpah to stick your head above the parapet. To quote e.e. cummings, ‘It takes courage to group up and become who you really are’.
BDSM involves doing love, sex and intimacy differently from the blueprint many of us have been given. It requires self-examination, self-acceptance and the willingness to disregard the status quo – or at least put it gently to one side.
DK notes a strong overlap between kink communities and neurodivergence – people who, as he puts it, “question everything from the word go”.
If you’ve always asked why about rules, roles and expectations, it’s not surprising you eventually end up questioning the sexual script too.
The risks of breath play
There are certain kinky acts that have filtered, unchecked and unquestioned, into the mainstream thanks to their presence in cinema and porn. Choking is one of them. And that’s not good.
“Breath play is literally the most dangerous form of kink you can do… People die,” says DK. Yet more than a third of 16 to 34 year olds have reported being choked or strangled at least once during consensual sex, according to recent studies.
DK has been running breath play workshops since the 1990s and is adamant that:
you should never play with breath without serious education,
you shouldn’t use toys or techniques you don’t understand,
you need at least basic anatomy knowledge to avoid injury.
And that’s before we even get to needles, canes or more medical-style play.
Put simply:
“Making your sex life super juicy and fun and fruity is all well and good. Let’s not injure ourselves. Let’s get educated and do it right.”
How to explore BDSM safely
Look for workshops with qualified, kink-aware practitioners: well-held spaces that help you get to grips with BDSM safely, like those run by DK.
You don’t need to attend as a couple; you can go solo, or with friends, and choose whether to participate in exercises or just watch demonstrations.
If you go to clubs, there’s usually someone who can guide you through the space and show you how to use the in-house toys.
And remember, choosing BDSM isn’t about being more liberated or interesting. It’s one possible path towards pleasure and intimacy among many – rich with sensation, intensity, complexity, psychology, risk and reward.
If you feel even a little curiosity, you’re allowed to treat that as an invitation to know yourself more deeply. You might never go further than a blindfold, a conversation, or a fantasy. You might find community and practices that feel like home. You might start, stop, and decide it’s not for you. And that’s fine.
Whatever you choose, the heart (and art) of this work is the same:
consent
agency
self-knowledge
care for yourself and others.
Kinky resources
FetLife is a social networking website for folk interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. You’ll find plenty of group discussions and info about workshops.
‘Munches’ are a way to meet like-minds in your area. These casual social gatherings are held in pubs, bars and restaurants around the country. They’re usually "vanilla" events i.e. no BDSM activities take place and people wear normal clothes. Filter events by city on FetLife to find your nearest.
Go shopping – events like The London Alternative Market, the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar and Bristol’s Swamp – allow you to browse what’s on offer, watch demos and attend workshops. Or look online – sites like Harmony and LoveHoney stock bondage kit and kinky clothing.
Be bookish:
Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.
Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
Power Circuits: Polyamory In a Power Dynamic by Raven Caldera
Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams.