How to set a goal for therapy
Published 31 December 2025
Your time, money and energy are three of your most precious resources. Having a clear goal for therapy can help you make the most of all three.
Of course, you may just prefer to fling yourself into the process and let me help you find your direction. But if you lean towards option A - and you want to take more ownership of the process from the start, before we even meet for our first session - this guide is for you.
It will enable you to get a better sense of what you want from our time together and measure your progress.
Start with what you’ve got (even if it’s not the whole story)
It’s OK for your initial goal to be incomplete, a close approximation, or a ballpark idea of what you want. You’ll be able to refine it later.
Try writing it down.
Looking at a goal on paper can give you a different perspective. You may want to word it differently or add more detail until it feels right. I’ve put together a PDF guide for therapy goal setting to make life easier.
The perfect starting point can be as simple as:
I want to understand why I don’t want sex.
I miss closeness, but I don’t know how to get back to it.
I want to feel more like myself again.
Even knowing what you don’t want is a great place to start – and then we can gently explore what you’re longing for underneath.
For example: I want to stop shutting down when I argue with my partner could be where we start.
What follows could then be the clarity that I’d like to communicate better about what really matters to me.
Make your goals achievable
Therapy goals can be a step-by-step process. You don’t have to solve everything at once. That may not even be possible.
Often the first goal is simply: Let’s work out what’s going on.
Even if you feel completely stuck, overwhelmed or don’t know what to do for the best, understanding more about that impasse can be a way to regain control. And when that happens, the path starts opening up.
Sometimes, walking into the therapy room and talking about something you’ve never spoken about before is more than enough to start with.
You don’t have to have all the answers. The whole point of therapy is to help you find them.
Just take the first step.
Choose therapy goals that are personal (and that you have control over)
Be honest with yourself.
Your goal should be relevant to you. Or, if you’re coming as a couple, relevant to both of you. But before you commit to that shared goal, make sure it’s aligned with what you both really want as individuals.
For example, is it you who wants to open your relationship, get over an affair, or have more frequent sex - or is that what your partner wants?
There’s often one person who leads the other into couples’ therapy room; the person who initiates, books, and shepherds the other firmly through the door hoping that therapy will ‘fix’ them.
However, the process tends to work best if you choose goals that are meaningful to you and within your control to influence. Remember, it nearly always takes (at least) two to make or break a relationship.
Avoid setting a goal that requires the other person to change. For example: I want my partner to be more adventurous in bed.
A more productive shared goal could be: How can we both talk about our desires and fantasies more freely? Or How do I meet my own need for adventurous sex?
Engage with the here and now, the reality of your current situation, and what could be possible within that.
This keeps your goals empowering, and you’re not dependent on someone else becoming a different person.
If you come to therapy as a duo, it may be that we spend some time defining and refining your shared ambitions for therapy.
Keep your therapy goals positive
Goals have a direction. They take you on a journey.
Although initially this may involve a move away from something, such as an abusive relationship, ultimately, they take you towards something you want.
It can help to ask:
What would be different in my day-to-day life if I could do…?
How would I feel about myself, my body, my relationship(s)?
What would I be doing less/more of?
What would I be able to say out loud that I’m currently silent about?
What else could be possible if I reach this goal?
And if it’s relevant, you might include what you’re hoping for in your relationship(s) too, not as a demand, but as a picture of the kind of dynamic you want to create.
Choose goals you can track (gently)
Progress in therapy is often subtle. It helps to name what you’ll be looking for along the way, so you know you’re making progress
This might be:
less anxiety, avoidance or feelings of pressure
more communication, even if it feels a bit clunky or awkward.
fewer blow-ups (or a shorter recovery time afterwards)
being able to stay present more often during intimacy
being able to say No even if you still find it difficult.
trusting yourself more
more honest conversations, even if they’re not perfect
more compassion (for yourself and each other)
Think about timing (without rushing yourself)
It can be really helpful to have a timeframe in mind.
How long are you willing to put up with the status quo if nothing changes or if an important goal isn’t fully met?
You might be thinking:
I want to feel progress within a couple of months.
I’d like us to be in a new place by six months.
I don’t know how long this will take, but I’m happy to go the distance.
I understand the sense of urgency that often comes into my therapy room. It’s also important to be realistic.
Your current experiences of sex and relationships are likely to be influenced by your childhood, past experiences, gender, identity, sexuality, race, religion, culture, physical ability, age, general health and wellbeing, how your mind works, and many other factors. Working out what’s going on for you can take time.
Therapy also involves change and even positive change can be challenging as it involves moving into the unknown.
We can only go at the pace your body allows. If trauma, abuse or a subject that’s particularly tender are involved, that might be very slowly indeed.
Your PDF guide to therapy goal setting
If you take nothing else from this post, let it be that you don’t need to have the perfect goal to begin.
Wherever you’re starting from, be it stuck, uncertain, hopeful, frustrated, angry, grieving or exhausted, we can start there. There’s no need to create a neat story before you’re ready.
However, thinking about what you want to get out of therapy gives us a direction to walk in. More clarity will come as we go through the process. And if your goal changes once we begin, that’s OK. It’s often a sign we’re getting closer to the real thing.
I’ve put together some questions to help you get a better understanding of what’s going on for you. You can work through them before our first session or bring it along to talk through together. Or just use them for yourself to take your first steps towards what you really want and need.