How to help your partner through the menopause: a guide for men
First published 25 November 2025.
This post is aimed primarily at men in a relationship with a cisgender woman, but menopause is experienced by trans men, non-binary folk and within female same-sex partnerships too.
If your partner is going through the menopause, your relationship is too. And without a good understanding of what’s going on, you may be heading towards a big bump in the road and not even see it coming.
Menopause: the great relationship wake-up call
The lead-up to the menopause usually starts in a woman’s 40s (though it can be earlier) and it comes with far more than just mood swings and hot flushes. Divorce rates are spiking among heterosexual menopausal women and it’s the women not the men who are walking away. In fact, 73% of women say the menopause was a factor in their divorce.
For couples who stay together, menopause can cause sex lives to fade out, a slow drift into the friend zone or, worse, lost connection and relationship breakdown. And sadly, in most instances, it’s not because anyone’s stopped caring.
If you’re both in your 40s or 50s and you’ve noticed:
sex becoming less frequent or disappearing altogether
your partner being less responsive
the two of you at loggerheads, distant or feeling like you’re on different pages
… it’s quite likely menopause, and it’s happening to both of you.
The must-knows about menopause
Our first mistake…
Humans like to label things such as men’s issues or women’s issues. But the reality is most things affect everyone, directly or indirectly.
The menopause is no exception.
It comes with a huge range of possible symptoms. Her body is likely going through changes she didn’t choose and can’t control. See The menopause: what it is, what it’s like, and when it happens to find out more.
Most people have a general idea of what perimenopause looks like: mood swings, hot flushes, forgetting why she walked into the room... It’s often presented as mildly amusing, with an eye roll here and there…
But this image doesn’t prepare you for what the experience is really like, for her or your relationship.
Imagine this:
You’ve worked long and hard to get where you are today, and you’ve still got at least 15 years to make an impact before you think about retiring.
But suddenly you can’t get your life together. You start sweating profusely and turning bright red in high stakes meetings; you lose your thread in the middle of important conversations, and your memory is shot. Confidence in your abilities turns to self-doubt, anxiety or even panic. There’s a reason why thousands of menopausal women quit their jobs.
Then add a really bad night’s sleep – every night. Your body aches, you feel bone-tired, unmotivated and easily overwhelmed. You’ve put on weight without changing your diet or exercise routine, and that childhood eczema is back with a vengeance.
This is the reality your partner may be living.
She’s not ‘a bit hot’, ‘a bit moody’, ‘a bit forgetful’. She’s quite possibly navigating symptoms that affect her confidence, self-esteem, emotional resilience and even her income. Menopause touches on her very identity.
Of course this is going to affect your relationship!
How menopause affects sex and intimacy
If you take one thing away from this post, make it this:
Contrary to popular opinion, menopause doesn’t automatically turn off desire. It changes the conditions under which sexual intimacy feels safe, pleasurable and even possible.
Menopause can send a woman’s libido into overdrive, but that’s not the case for every woman, or even the whole story.
First off, even if she’s turned on, she may not get as wet as she used to.
Depleting oestrogen reduces the natural lubrication inside her vagina. It’s not a sign that she doesn’t love or fancy you, but if she’s dry inside, sex won’t feel as good. It may actually hurt.
Sometimes the pain is intense and makes sex impossible. Other times, it’s just uncomfortable and tolerable, so she may well carry on rather than upset or disappoint you. Trouble with that is it often builds resentment – and on some level, you’ll notice that lack of full embodied engagement, that resistance. And it hurts you too.
Fortunately, if she’s turned on, a lack of wetness is easily remedied. You need lube and plenty of it. Try layering up water-based and oil-based versions for extra slickness. Choose PH-balanced brands such as YES, Sylk, Lovehoney or Liquid Silk.
Once you’ve ticked the lube box, there are other considerations. The first being her clitoris. It’s sensitivity has probably changed – clitorises usually shrink during perimenopause. This means that the pressure, speed and type of touch she wants will be different too.
Chances are you’ll need to update your tried-and-tested moves, but relearning her body now will lay the foundations for great sex in the future. Ask her what feels good. And if she doesn’t know, don’t be put off. Many women don’t. Experiment.
Then there’s the increased risk of urinary infections and thrush that come with the thinning skin around her genitals. These are the kind of itchy, burning, stinging issues that don’t make anyone feel sexy.
They’re just another way that her body is letting her down: a body that may have changed more in the last six months than it has in twenty years.
Weight gain is a common menopausal side effect and getting naked can become a source of shame and embarrassment. Certain sexual positions may therefore be off limits because she worries about how she’ll look from certain angles. She’s afraid you’ll be disgusted, laugh, or sleep with someone younger and prettier who’s horny all the time. The negative self-talk is endless. The pressure to be young and pretty is real.
Perhaps she takes longer to get aroused than she used to or feels preoccupied with more general fears and anxieties than before. Menopausal women are frequently sandwiched between looking after hormonal teenage offspring and aging parents who need just as much care and attention. It makes it so much harder to get in the mood.
Even just thinking about sex may make her anxious. She could be blaming herself and feeling like a failure or that she’s broken. She may feel that she’s letting you down – but the more she’s thinking like this, the less she’s in her body. Not an ideal scenario for good sex.
Then there’s the lack of sleep; the rollercoaster of inexplicable mood changes, and the exhaustion that turn sex into a mountain to climb.
It stands to reason that given the number of potential obstacles, women are less likely to want sex in the first place. But this doesn’t mean the desire has gone. It just means she needs the incentive to go there.
If you’re offering her more than her vibrator – more intimacy, love, connection, safety, eroticism and playfulness – you’ll be making it worth her while.
Of course, it’s not your job to hold the relationship together. It takes two, always. But it’s good to know what’s at stake, and what you stand to gain by understanding at least some of what she may be going through.
And your body is also changing
Middle age often isn’t a good time for men either - and peaking suicide rates show us the extreme end of that wedge. But on a physical level, if you’re in your 40s or older, you might be noticing changes too.
Stress hits harder, the body takes longer to recover, you may feel more tired or less sexually confident.
With decreasing testosterone, erections take longer, disappear faster, or aren’t as hard as they used to be. You may have less stamina or want sex less often too – but you don’t want to talk about it.
And maybe she’s too embarrassed to talk too. So, silence reigns, sex disappears, and nobody feels supported, each assuming the other isn’t interested, or that they’re the broken one.
But relationships can evolve as our bodies do and getting older doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It’s just that no one teaches us how to navigate aging in a society that puts youth, strength, and good looks on a pedestal.
Why you matter more than ever during menopause
Because menopause is seen as a ‘women’s issue’, you may feel it’s not your place to speak up or that you’d be intruding. Perhaps being less than confident on the subject, you prefer to keep quiet. Menopause has long been one of those conversation stoppers.
There’s the fear of saying the wrong thing, upsetting her, or being seen as insensitive. It may seem easier to give the whole thing a wide berth.
So, you step back. But she senses that withdrawal and feels alone, even abandoned.
Both of you end up hurting, needlessly.
Thing is, you don’t have to become an expert in hormones. Your absolute superpower lies in showing up. Keep doing that with curiosity, care and honesty and you can be an anchor for her within the relationship when everything else is in flux.
She may not know or understand what’s going on either. Learn together and it will bring you closer.
And if you’re not sure what showing up could look like, there are ten suggestions below.
The menopause risk factor
Playing a supportive role isn’t just sexual or practical: it’s protective.
· For 95% of women, menopause means a decline in mood and emotions.
· 1 in 5 middle-aged women are suffering from depression.
· Suicide rates spike for women between the ages of 45 and 54.
Menopause is tough enough. Feeling alone makes it even harder. Your presence, empathy and support can be incredible medicine.
10 ways you can show up for your partner during menopause
Be the one to start the conversation. Don’t resign yourself to the status quo, talk about it. Menopause has been a taboo subject for too long. Normalising it will be a big help.
Learn with her. Menopause can feel like navigating a treacherous obstacle course in the dark. There are plenty of blogs, books and videos about it. Hunt them down together. You can start here: The menopause: what it is, what it’s like, and when it happens
Don’t assume her silence means she’s OK. Check in regularly. Stay listening. Stay connected. Be patient. Be present.
Be prepared to adapt to her body. If sex is painful, be gentle. Explore new positions, new ways of touching. If she gets the night sweats, be prepared to layer up so she can open the window.
Reframe sexual connection. If what used to work now doesn’t, it’s not because you’re losing your touch – but it is time to broaden your repertoire. Slow everything down, have more non-penetrative sex, and talk more about what you both want.
Name the changes in your body too. Say: “I’ve been noticing X about my body; you’ve noticed Y. What’s going to work for both of us?” Honesty, vulnerability and a sense of humour are great for shame busting.
Create emotional safety. Help her explore her feelings and make sense of them by asking questions and letting her know you’re in it together. Remember, menopause doesn’t last forever.
Be her professional advocate. If she’s struggling at work, help her research the support available. Menopausal women have rights and in severe cases, menopause can be considered a disability.
Level up your wellbeing together. No one’s getting any younger! Good sleep, exercise, time in nature, cutting down on alcohol and eating well are good for both of you.
Say the unsaid and reassure her. “I know this is hard. I love you and I’m here for you.”
As well as its challenges, menopause can also be a time, free from the risks of pregnancy, when a woman can bounce back stronger, knowing herself better, and embrace a new chapter. This guide will help make sure you’re a part of it.