Sexual compatibility + the ‘YES NO MAYBE PLEASE’ checklist
One of the many assumptions about sex is that is should just ‘work’.
When you love, care about or even just fancy someone, the Romantic Ideal declares determinedly that It Will All Just Fall Into Place. In fact, you won’t even have to talk about sex because you’ll both want the same things, at the same time, with the same amount of enthusiasm. Sexual compatibility is a given when you’re with the right person.
Except, of course, humans don’t work like that.
For this reason, a YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist can come in very useful.
In this blog post, I’ll be talking about:
What does sexual compatibility actually mean?
Why having different desires doesn’t mean you’re incompatible
What is a YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist?
What does ‘MAYBE’ mean in a YES NO MAYBE PLEASE checklist?
What if you don’t know what you want sexually?
What if you and your partner have different sexual preferences?
If you’ve got different sexual desires, look for the need underneath
How to find common ground when your sexual needs are different
What if the sexual differences seem too big?
How psychosexual and relationship therapy can help
Sexual compatibility FAQs
What does sexual compatibility actually mean?
Sexual compatibility is often used to describe people who simply want the same things, but I believe it’s broader and more nuanced than that.
Sexual compatibility is less a fixed state (you either are or you aren’t compatible) and more a quality that you can create between you.
Yes, a fondness for similar sexual pursuits is part of it, but, beyond that, sexual compatibility has (at least) four other key ingredients.
1: Good communication
It doesn’t matter if your erotic preferences aren’t identical. It’s the ability to have honest, open discussions about them that counts. Dig into your desires together and you’re likely to discover more opportunities for ‘together pleasure’ than you first thought.
Talking about sex can feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, but it can also be liberating to be seen and understood more fully – and to offer your partner the same privilege.
Talking authentically about the sex you want can be an act of deep intimacy in itself and bring you closer.
2: Being open to learning
The YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist isn’t a game of Snap! The aim isn’t to get matching answers. It’s a way of finding out more about the human by your side.
Experiences shape us all, uniquely. Chances are your partner has done things you haven’t and vice versa and you may want different things too. Equally, both your bodies will change over time, and your needs, wants and desires will change with them.
Sexual compatibility requires you both to keep an open mind and a willingness to grow and learn together. How you have sex at the start of a relationship will likely be different after a year, two years, five years, ten years and beyond.
3: Staying childlike in your curiosity
Children are born innovators, shapeshifters and creators because they see the world afresh without preconceptions. They’re not constrained by shoulds or oughts; they play and stay curious. Sexual compatibility thrives on those qualities.
Sex can get very serious. So serious that we forget it’s supposed to be fun. When you both bring childlike curiosity to your sexual encounters you can break new ground, see potential and explore without judgement or blame, simply for the pleasure of exploring.
4: Being happy with the amount of sex you’re having
Sexual frequency is a big part of what makes two people sexual compatible - or not. A lot of couples come to me because they’re struggling with mismatched desire – one wanting sex more than the other. However that’s rarely the whole story.
It’s too big a subject to dive into for this blog post, but, in short, this too is navigable. As sex educator Emily Nagoski says, if you focus on pleasure not desire, and the quality rather than quantity of the sex you’re having, it’s often possible to create a more satisfying sex life.
Why having different desires doesn’t mean you’re sexually incompatible
Thinking someone is hot, loving them deeply, and feeling emotionally connected doesn’t make sexual compatibility a given.
Your individual thoughts and experiences of what’s pleasurable, erotic or exciting can differ wildly.
One of you may be curious about kink, the other not so much. For some people, oral is everything; for others it’s a no-go. Some get off on intense sensation; others go weak at the knees for feather-light touch and whispered fantasies.
The key is to identify some mutual ground that gives you both pleasure. The YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist is designed to help you find it.
What is a YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist?
What do you want? can feel like an enormous question. The Yes No Maybe Please checklist is designed to help you answer it. It aims to make a sometimes difficult subject much easier to talk about. And perhaps provide give you some inspiration too, if you want to broaden your sexual repertoire.
The checklist consists of a list of sexual acts that you score based on whether they’re of interest or not – and to what extent.
YES = I want to do, or I like doing this
NO = I don’t want to go there. It’s not of interest. It’s a hard boundary
MAYBE = I might be interested depending on the time, the place, the person or my mood
PLEASE = I love this and want lots of it!
First, you both complete the checklist individually, without talking to each other about it. Then you get together to talk about your responses.
It’s not a test. You’re not scoring yourself or your partners. Think of it as a path to understanding more about what makes (or could make) you – and your partner – tick.
It makes sense to take your time to complete the exercise. Slow down and you give yourself an opportunity for deeper reflection.
It may be that you’ve never thought about what you want before. Give yourself space.
What does ‘MAYBE’ mean in a YES NO MAYBE PLEASE checklist?
MAYBE might seem a bit vague or non-committal, but it this situation it has an important role to play. In fact, sexually, it can be one of the most interesting answers you give.
Rather than thinking of MAYBE as a reluctant yes, it’s actually the answer that gives you the most room for experimentation and exploration, and a great reason for deeper conversations.
If you don’t have so many YESs and NOs in common, your MAYBE can also be a gift. I’ll talk more about this later.
A MAYBE could mean any one of the following:
I’m curious but I’d need to feel very secure and trust you completely
I like the fantasy, but I’m not sure the reality would be so good
I might like giving, but not receiving
This might be good if I was really turned on
I’m interested, but also nervous
We’d need to talk about it properly first
Not today, but another day it’s a possibility
We’d need to set some boundaries around it first.
MAYBE isn’t… a sign that you could be badgered or cajoled into doing something that you’re unsure about.
Think about the conditions that would make desire spark up around this particular act or experience. What would make it appealing or a definite NO?
Sometimes what’s most interesting is not what someone wants, but rather what helps the wanting appear in the first place.
What if you don’t know what you want sexually?
The truth is plenty of us don’t know what we want in bed – or indeed in many different situations. And that includes all genders. Even if we’re having regular sex.
You may have never really stopped to think about whether what you’re doing is really – really – what you want. Or maybe you’ve assumed something isn’t for you without even trying it. It’s just not part of your regular intimate routine.
It may also be the case that your body, mental health, or circumstances have changed and something that was a big Yes! is now extremely disinteresting – or a big No.
Perhaps there are desires that you’ve never dared to share out loud because it just feels too exposing and vulnerable to let someone into this particular corner of your erotic world.
The sexual experiences that interest you can change with age, health, hormones, experience, your partner, your confidence, or simply because you’ve got to know yourself a little bit better.
The YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist is a good way to find out where you are right now.
So it’s not a set of labels or rules that you now have to live by with this partner. Do it again in six months or a year and you might choose different responses, particularly if your current relationship is quite new and you’re still getting to know each other.
What if you and your partner have different sexual preferences?
When you talk about your answers with your partner, start with the YES and PLEASE responses. It’s good to explore the positive common ground first.
But if your enthusiastic PLEASE is met with a NO, it’s all too easy to interpret that difference as a rejection or a reason to judge yourself – or them. Maybe you’re too much or too weird. Maybe they’re too boring or too pervy. Maybe we’re incompatible.
To make sense of that apparent mismatch, it’s normal for our brains to create a story around it – and it’s human nature to conjure up the worst-case scenario.
But I don’t want that isn’t the same as saying I don’t want you.
A good sexual relationship has boundaries. You each have the right to share your wants and needs, but the other person also has the right to say that they can’t meet them. Of course we compromise in relationships, but in sex it shouldn’t be at the expense of ourselves or our pleasure. Remember, sex is supposed to be enjoyable.
There can be sadness or disappointment when you don’t align, and navigating those feelings can be tricky – but experiencing some challenge or difficulty doesn’t mean you’re wrong for each other.
If you’ve got different sexual desires, look for the need underneath
This is where the conversation can get really interesting. Before deciding you’ve reached an impasse, be curious about what a particular experience represents.
Someone may want to be tied up because they enjoy the experience of erotic surrender. So how else might they be able to experience that sense of relinquishing control?
Perhaps they love dirty talk because it builds anticipation and makes them feel desired. How else could that need be met?
The question that’s really being asked is What do you both long for? And then How might we meet that in other ways?
But please – this isn’t about trying to get around someone’s NO so ultimately you get what you want, or vice versa. Instead, it’s an exercise in exploring the wider erotic landscape.
How to find common ground when your sexual needs are different
Once you’ve both completed your YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist, any mismatches tend to leap off the page. But look for other patterns too.
For example, where are you both curious or what kinds of experiences are gathering most of the PLEASE, YES and MAYBE responses?
Is there a way of being that you’re both drawn to? Perhaps playfulness, intensity, tenderness or sensuality hits the spot. Or perhaps there are places where mutual interest, consent and pleasure intersect.
Sometimes, a seemingly small area of common ground can create a lot of room for exploration.
What if the sexual differences seem too big?
First off, if your most authentic desires are wildly divergent, it’s good to know that. But this can feel like a scary place too.
When two people are very different it can evoke uncertainty, doubt, shame, loss or even grief that something so erotically essential can’t be shared. There may also be a self-inflicted pressure to keep the other happy or fear that sticking to a NO could threaten the relationship.
And honestly, there are situations where it can be hard to find the middle ground. For example, if one person is monogamous and the other drawn to polyamory, or one of you longs for power dynamics in a way that is completely alien and unwanted by the other.
Some differences have flexibility around them, but others require us to ask harder questions. What are we prepared to compromise on to support the relationship while also remaining authentic and true to ourselves?
I suggest approaching those differences with care and compassion rather than panic.
How psychosexual and relationship therapy can help
If you’re experiencing sexual differences as hurtful, they’re causing arguments or you’re feeling anxious or upset, it makes it much harder to talk about, and those differences can become the elephant in the room.
Those feelings often relate to past experiences or beliefs, expectations and assumptions around what sex and relationships should look like.
When talking about sex becomes difficult or even impossible, a psychosexual and relationship therapist can help you slow the process down and explore what your particular desires and boundaries mean to each of you
It won’t be an exercise in deciding who’s right or wrong, persuading either of you to do something you really don’t want to do, or making differences magically disappear.
The aim of therapy is to help you understand those differences more fully, communicate more honestly and openly, and explore possibilities, without shame, coercion or making your partner – or yourself – the problem.
Sometimes there are ways of meeting important sexual or relational needs that you may not have considered – particularly if you’ve not given yourselves the space to really think about what why those needs matter or where they’ve come from.
Therapy gives you that space and your therapist can help you navigate the kind of conversations that sometimes feel too big for the both of you to have alone.
Sexual compatibility FAQs
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You can absolutely be sexually compatible while having different sexual preferences. In fact, if you were with someone exactly like you, you’d probably get bored pretty quickly.
What matters is that you enjoy the sex you’re having. This means finding where you pleasures intersect, respecting each other’s boundaries and being able to talk openly and honestly about your differences. Communication is key.
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MAYBE is an invitation to be curious and explore! What would turn that MAYBE into a YES – and what would turn it into a NO?
But remember, MAYBE isn’t a green flag for the YES person to try and persuade, cajole or pressure their partner into agreeing to do something they’re unsure about. It simply gives you the opportunity to look for where more mutual pleasure might be possible. And you may find it isn’t.
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Yes – sexual compatibility isn’t fixed. Bodies, circumstances and relationships change throughout our lives and what we desire often changes with them. The kind of sex you have when you first meet someone is likely to be different from the sex you have further down the line. How you feel about sex in your 20s will probably be different when you’re 50, 60, 70 and beyond.
Illness, aging, menopause, medication, stress, parenthood, grief, identity, confidence levels and numerous other factors affect the sex we have and potentially our levels of sexually compatibility. When changes happen, your sex life might have to evolve.
That’s why it’s good to use the YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist more than once, at intervals throughout your life. It can help you identify more easily how you’ve changed, what you want and what may have dropped off your sexual wish list.
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It might be worth seeking the help of a psychosexual and relationship therapist if sex starts causing arguments, avoidance, withdrawal, hurt or anger.
If there’s shame around what you desire or one of you has become ‘the problem’ in the relationship, talking things through can diffuse the situation and help you find your common ground.
Time with a psychosexual and relationship therapist can help you explore what you both want in confidence, without judgement or expectation.
Can two people be sexually compatible if they like different things?
You can absolutely be sexually compatible while having different sexual preferences. In fact, if you were with someone exactly like you, you’d probably get bored pretty quickly.
What matters is that you enjoy the sex you’re having. This means finding where you pleasures intersect, respecting each other’s boundaries and being able to talk openly and honestly about your differences. Communication is key.
What should we do if one person says MAYBE, and the other says YES?
MAYBE is an invitation to be curious and explore! What would turn that MAYBE into a YES – and what would turn it into a NO?
MAYBE isn’t a green flag for the YES person to try and persuade, cajole or pressure their partner into agreeing to do something they’re unsure about. It simply gives you the opportunity to look for where more mutual pleasure might be possible. And you may find it isn’t.
Can sexual compatibility change during a relationship?
Yes – sexual compatibility isn’t fixed. Bodies, circumstances and relationships change throughout our lives and what we desire often changes with them. The kind of sex you have when you first meet someone is likely to be different from the sex you have further down the line. How you feel about sex in your 20s will probably be different when you’re 50, 60, 70 and beyond.
Illness, aging, menopause, medication, stress, parenthood, grief, identity, confidence levels and numerous other factors affect the sex we have and potentially our levels of sexually compatibility. When changes happen, your sex life might have to evolve.
That’s why it’s good to use the YES NO MAYBE PLEASE sexual checklist more than once, at intervals throughout your life. It can help you identify more easily how you’ve changed, what you want and what may have dropped off your sexual wish list.
When should we get psychosexual and relationship therapy help with different sexual needs?
It might be worth seeking the help of a psychosexual and relationship therapist if sex starts causing arguments, avoidance, withdrawal, hurt or anger.
If there’s shame around what you desire or one of you has become ‘the problem’ in the relationship, talking things through can diffuse the situation and help you find your common ground.
Time with a psychosexual and relationship therapist can help you explore what you both want in confidence, without judgement or expectation.